Table of Contents
This is part of a four post series. The topics are as followed
- Why talk about Narcissism
- Why Narcissists are the way they are
- Tactics they use and how they operate
- How to deal with them
This final section is how to deal with Narcissists. Again, everyone is different. Every situation is different. However, I think it is worth thinking about if you ever find yourself in this situation. The thing to really think about, generally speaking, they are already thinking about how they can one up you, or make you look bad. Spite is a very powerful tool.
Run…if you can.
If you can run from one, do so. For women especially in a relationship with one. Block them, ignore them, do anything you can to get outside of their sphere of interest. If you can’t get out of the situation, such as work or family, the following advice is for you.
They tend to get away with lying and word of mouth whenever possible. They will always act differently in private as opposed to public. They will ALWAYS have many different sides. Recording every single interaction whenever possible will allow the story to come to light of day one day if it is needed. Also, I have realized they generally never want to look bad in public. Having this information is a good deterrent.
Assume they are a cornered and scared dog
By the time you are wise to them, they know how to pull your heart strings, they know how to convince you they are not a “bad guy”. Or they will know who around you they can show “evidence” of your irrational/emotional/crazy/sensitive behavior. And honestly, in that very moment…they may believe it themselves. Without therapy, people will not change. Until they start making that effort on their own, they will always go back to what they have done before. Start taking precautions to protect yourself when they do. Don’t ever take a promise they make at face value. Don’t let your guard down.
Sometimes you may need to start playing dirty
You can’t always have compassion for them, you need to realize that. One of the biggest flaws people assume is they think “I just want this to go away.” and “They really aren’t that bad”. Narcissists tend to be about escalations. Assume they are capable of playing dirtier tomorrow than they did yesterday. They may not, and you have to be willing to act in a way that makes it appear that you want them to suffer to others. Not because you want to, but sometimes that is all they understand: force. The weaker and more compassionate you are, the more you open them up to continue making your life miserable. Look at Kim Kardashian or Britney Spears. Sometimes if they think they can get away with something, they will.
Attack their public persona publicly
This is something I have learned, and why I speak up now. I started to realize as this past week went along, that the people my friends are dealing with have similar personality traits to the people I tend to call “shitty”. Also, I am fully aware this is a “white male privilege” tactic.
Become what they accuse you to be – Remove the rules of social norms from the equation
Also something that you can put under the “white male privilege.” As I mentioned, they are bullies. Bullies have learned to play by the social rules and get away with so many underhanding tactics. Their power is credibility with others. When you take so many of the proper norms of society away from them, they don’t know how to respond. Almost always when they accuse you of being something, it is to simply shame you or make you feel understood. But if you embrace it, they will start to get angrier and more off tilt.
Always be prepared that it may never end
Again, they are dealing with spite. So any kind of agreements, or anything else…be prepared that they may try to come back into your life when you think it is all over. When someone hates/resents someone, and thinks about it constantly…there is a LOT they are willing to do just to continue making someone’s life miserable. You are dealing with someone that ultimately lives in their head, not the real world.
Make sure you surround yourself with people who understand Narcissism as well
“Blood is thicker than water.” is a complete lie in the situation. Surround yourself with people who understand Narcissists. Most people don’t want to know or don’t want to believe that what you are going through is possible. People who understand it will stick with you and support you the most. Hearing stories, narcissists will always trust other narcissists, regardless of relationship. The average person will not know who to believe. It is the people who can see and identify the cruelty of a narcissist, which unfortunately is generally the people who have gone through it, are the ones who can see past all the BS.